Running for Class Officer, it’s so difficult - but it’s worth it.

I indulge myself in these little tiny pleasures to forget the pain, to escape the memory and avoid facing what hurts most.  I hide behind the illusionary mask of happiness and laughter where what lies beneath is pain.  I guess you can call it a self-defense mechanism within, that automatically sends me through these cycles and phases of false happiness　.  

Sometimes, I believe the pain I hold and endure is also what shapes me into what I am.  I’ve been told, “You look so warm but once you dip your hands in deeper, then it’s colder than what it was thought to be.”  It’s quite tiring pulling off the illusion of a happy, innocent girl who got the whole entire world, only to unravel an ugly pit of misery within and slowly break down.  

I couldn’t slap you today, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Each time I was bracing myself to walk up and do it, something in me melted and stopped.  I froze over.  I wanted to hit you so hard, I wanted to do it.  I went and punched and dented a locker out of frustration instead, but I can’t bring myself to say the words, “I hate you.”  I don’t think I ever can, or will.  I’ll hit you when my hands heal, maybe when my heart mends a little.  It’s painful you know, to walk by you, to avert where your presence is or to think about you.  I couldn’t even crack a smile in the morning because I was hell-bent on trying to ignore the world and forget that you were only 10 yards away.  To forget that we’re even breathing the same air.  

Sh… stop crying. Don’t cry em. You don’t need people like him, especially if he can’t even tell you himself. Work hard, just keep trying in life. Karma is like a double sided blade, one will rescue you from others but the end pointing towards you will hurt you at the same time. Good things will come to people who don’t quit. So just keep your head up and keep trying okay em? I’ll take you around Saigon and introduce you to my friends and everything when you come here so try your best.

okay the school needs to stop planning shit at the worst of times

first they cancelled powderpuff when i was actually healthy

then i had to bboy while i had mono at the pep rally

and then we had state competitions when i lost my voice

and now we have a last-minute scheduled practice for the new powderpuff game today

okay no i’ll just play linemen again next year or else i am fucked.  

Slept til’ 11,  took a nap on Minsu and played cards in the hallways.  I didn’t place at FBLA State but that’s okay.. there’s always next year.   Went to 4th Street Live and ate at TGI Fridays with Minsu, Connie, Booey, and Bruce instead of staying at the awards ceremony, derp.  Then after eating we came back to the FBLA dance and my god I couldn’t find anyone.  Then while I was dancing with Tiffany and Helen and everyone some random guy asked to dance with me T___T which was uber awks.  So yeah that sums up my day :D ~ 

and I have pictures of booey’s sleeping face <3 

With just that statement they spat in my face - I made up my mind what to do after high school, and frankly I’m leaving.    I have suffered almost 10 years of both happiness and sorrow in this home, but as the years grow I feel nothing but suffocation and the feeling as if I’m being locked up in prison.  So I will leave for my own health’s sake.  I will get an apartment with a friend, and if my parents get angry and refuse to pay for college tuition, I will just simply postpone going to college.  I will work, and work my way up in life on my own -  I will prove them all wrong.